Oh goodness, this is what I have become..
I join a site, randomly, out of the blue, just to...I don't know.
I suppose I joined to share how I am feeling, even if no one reads, there is the illusion that someone out there cares. I am not going to say no one cares about me outside of here, no, certainly not, but no one knows, nor cares about the real me. That real person only exists in video games. She lives there. Not here. I wish I could let her live here too, but to be honest, no one I know would understand.
How cliche, "no one understands me." That isn't true, of course, there are people out there who do and would, but I don't want them to. I am scared of them, scared of the real me.
I am her. This entrapment is driving me mad. I have headaches nearly every day, borne, I would surmise, from the stress of being stuck with no hope of escape.
I am moody because she sees the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light is always covered after a moment. She cries like I cry, because there is nothing left to do but cry.
I am angry because the real me must be suppressed. I am not proud of who I am, what I am, what I want. I am ashamed of it and that shame threatens to suffocate me every day of every month of every year now.
There is a corrective surgery, but I cannot afford it and I am ashamed to tell anyone, so ashamed. That is why I am telling this page. It will not judge me, or tell me "it's ok" in that patronizing tone I so loathe. The page just accepts it for what it is. I wish I could too, but I can't.
I want to be me..I just want to be me..
Previous PostsThis is what it has come to?, posted June 27th, 2012, 6 comments
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